Satirical Parody Of Jonathan Swift's Modest Proposal (Satire)

It is an extreme angst to those who walk the silver lined streets of America, when they see the bordellos, hotels, and private meeting places crowded with lewd men and women, followed by twenty, thirty, or forty local transvestites, all masquerading as their opposite in the most lascivious attire and importuning everything that moves for a good time. These degenerates instead of being able to work with their hands in any kind of normal way, are forced to employ all their time begging for another to join them in various devious acts of a sexual nature: which progressively, like methamphetamines, loose their grandeur over time and must be replaced with a much more rigorous exercise.

I think it is agreed by all reasonable people that this spiraling of fleshly pursuits in American classrooms, street corners, and television, is in all aspects an indication of mental retardation; and, therefore, whomsoever may find a relatively simple, inexpensive, and mass producible remedy for such a condition would deserve, for starters, the best Chinese firework show and a heart with their name inside inscribed permanently on the surface of the moon and on all sides so that visitors to Earth may quickly familiarize themselves with our greatest hero.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the diagnosed of such mental diseases; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of peoples in the world who are indeed human and thus liable to contract symptoms of lustful desire—albeit at a later date. You see, I have witnessed for many years the devolution of humans in this debauched way, and I have carefully weighed the interpretations of seemingly learned people, yet these types I have always found vastly digressed from reality. It is entirely true, a degenerate may at once be treated by removing the members that contribute to its sexual inclinations and this would cure the world for the remainder of our years; and it is at exactly this time that I propose to repopulate the world through the means well in our reach which have a plethora of advantages.

Of the number of peoples in America that stand at around three-hundred and one half million, amongst these I reckon there are two-hundred and one half million whose sexual partners are unauthorized and nocuous to the moral, economical, and rational order of society; from these I subtract one-hundred million who die of the most ravenous diseases enabled by their behaviors and ordained by God. Remaining, then, are the two-hundred and one half million peoples of mixed status; one-hundred million being those not yet diagnosed and the other one-hundred and one half million being the degenerates. The question now being: what can be done for this remainder? As I have previously expressed, there can be no trusting the intellectuals of today and their decrepit schemes of a slow and meticulous intervention. We must disregard all methods hitherto proposed, for the issue at hand has become greater than can be addressed with the simplicity of love and acceptance.

The overwhelming majority of infected with the malignant mental virus are at this moment on various numbers of welfare programs that, as their lustfulness spreads, will grow beyond the reach of the uninfected to absorb; and this process seems much closer to completion given the present appalling state of American finances. It has been relayed to me by the sagacious former President Bush that these peoples may have such a high contribution deficit so as to imply that they would have to work without any provisions that they now enjoy for over three-hundred years before their accumulated indebtedness would be totally and completely absolved. Indeed, this is an untenable situation. Fiscally speaking, there can be no undoing the damage already incurred by our tolerance of these terrible peoples malformed by a most vicious disease. They have but one economic significance and that is to the multi-billion dollar porn industry of which they run in solidarity, though still they are lacking in economic fluidity. As if this isn’t enough, the degenerates actively prey upon the uninfected by continually seeking their sexual company, sometimes violently, destroying marriages, and repopulating the world with their deformed genetic structuring. Their immorality, characterized by acts unimaginable to the sane, will undoubtedly welcome the wrath of God; though a case may be presented for the excusal of such persons being the foreign nature of the virus that now controls their every move, the likelihood of its acceptance is minimal to none. Ergo, rash action, if it be determined necessary as it most certainly has, must immediately be employed for the security of those not afflicted, the preservation of moral staples, and the nullification of God’s wrath!

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been reassured by many a scientists that once the degenerates and uninfected alike are separated from their incriminating sexual members, and that if this purification were to be successfully implemented around the globe, the world would be forever cured of eroticism; and that upon the completion of this great task the formerly infected would now serve to be upstanding citizens, able to work and contribute to society. Additionally, the amputated parts can be donated to many of research labs around the world for the purpose of science and the advancement therein, although all observations must be done on the other side of a hermetically sealed partition. Work output would not only be broadened by the number of hands but so too by the efficiency by which the absolvent of the porn industry and the persistent interruptions of a sexually active society would enable. The enormous judiciary expenses precipitated by sexual acts, or lack thereof in cases of marital divorce, would be totally dissolved. If for whatever reason, after the purification process meets its end, there still be instances of sexual deviance given the virus’s nature to mutate, all surviving instances must be eliminated through a fool proof system of decapitation and incendiary decontamination.

For married couples wanton of their former sexual intimacy, workshops will be set up equipped with virtual interfaces that give the then dreaming married couple a whole spectrum of sensations that would be appropriate for a married couple; these should undergo numerous tests by certified evangelicals immune to licentious thoughts in order to ensure the moral integrity of said sensations. This remedy will eliminate the infected sexual members while not affecting marriages in any adverse way; moreover, with this new system older couples and peoples suffering from erectile dysfunction will still have the opportunity to partake of their spouse without interruption and at a level much surpassing their previous physical members would allow. By bringing the degenerates down and the uninfected up in this way, the spectrum of sexuality would be university equalized, moderated, and appropriate only to those lawfully able to partake.

In order to preserve the continuity of the human race, various cloning clinics should be created and open to married couples for adoption. Parents will be able to fine tune the aesthetic nature of their children, whereas before this was an entirely random process. Things such as hair thickness, hair color, nose length, eye color, teething arrangement and sharpness, lip thickness, finger length, the option of a belly button, toe length, arm strength, skin color, and others will be available as options to various child packages; and diseases including lustfulness and immortality will be eliminated at the onset. After birth children must undergo a surgical amputation if the child be a male and a level one hysterectomy if the child be female; because this process can be slightly uncomfortable while the patient is awake, anesthesia will be a provided option. In addition to removing the sexual members, I humbly propose that every person from the age three take 500mg of either Paroxetine or Dextroamphetmine; these drugs have been repeatedly proven to reduce sexual drive and when administered in considerable amounts should eliminate any remaining mental instincts already greatly diminished by the afore said physical amputations. For couples who have been registered with a workshop, they may schedule days in which they do not take their medication in order to enjoy fully their God-given right to partake of each other.

The advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.

Firstly, as is most evident, lustful people of all ages are a serious fiscal detriment to society; and will invariably cause said society to falter and succumb to the whims of imperialistic nations around the world. Therefore, naturally, if one can figure a way to reverse this characterization, its heinous adaptations—namely pecuniary stagnation—may be reversed in favor of positive growth. Specifically speaking, men and women previously paralyzed by the vice of lasciviousness should then be able to contribute to a community; and men and women previously afflicted or otherwise should assume a greater rate of production absent the infiltration of obscene distractions. As sensuous entertainment buildings are shut down across the world, these properties may then be alternatively used as industrial centers, scientific research hubs, or even schools. Indeed, the job market will be more accepting of ugly peoples; this diversity in turn will capitalize on the before wasted intellectualism of ugly people, thereby propelling the fundamental state of human innovation—and in turn finance—for the better.

Secondly, the moral and rational stabilization of society will be benevolently influenced. This, in turn, will spur people to treat each other without superficial reservations and physically critical mentalities but rather with mutually platonic love, kindheartedness, and camaraderie; it will truly cultivate a collective society absent dogmatic individualism. Peoples in pursuit of their life partner will be attracted not by appearances but by core compatibilities, creating a hearty relationship bound together forever.

Thirdly, cloning clinics, in conjunction with today’s most advanced scientific technology, will perpetuate healthy living and eliminate potentially harmful adaptations and diseases. They will ensure the proliferation and procreation of humans absent decrepit sexual organs; and additionally, with this system, potentially catastrophic events or space travel that should require a drastic adjustment of human creations may be done so accordingly. Furthermore, new human creations may be customized to best fit the environments to which they should reside.

Fourthly, workshops will provide a means for the lawful application of the wholly eradicated physical uses of sex; thereby providing the otherwise departed intimate sensations shared with one’s partner. Through a virtual interface connected directly to the frontal lobe of the brain, peoples before unable to participate physically in sexual activity should have the opportunity to reinvigorate that part of them. Most advantageous to this plan, however, lies in the ability of sacred men to adjust the level of pleasure gained from said virtual experiences. The physical elimination of sexual organs in favor of this new system also may have a much desired effect for men and women (especially men) involved in sports; the constant prospect of a most terrible bang to various areas potentially incurring critical pain will be completely and utterly absolved.

Fifthly, the visual imagery all too blatantly propagated throughout society, even amongst those not actively involved, should be gone from the minds of children, away from the sacrosanctity of churches and evangelicals, and eradicated totally from the Earth. Indeed, preeminent among our aims should be to withdraw ourselves from the sinful nature of sexual overindulgence so as to avoid the egregious wrath of God; nevertheless, such actions prove to have a number of advantageous side effects. Considering the fragility of a child’s mind, eliminating even the slightest introduction to the lewd ways of degenerates will ensure the integrity of their moral foundation; with the culmination of these proposals, such a preventative action is undeniably included. Also, by taking actions now, we have a chance at beating the virus that is at any time liable to radically mutate beyond the point of human intervention. Disregarding the wrath of God that will destroy everything, if the virus should mutate as formerly expressed, everyone on Earth will be infected and will infect the entire universe as degenerates uncontrollably multiply. This, above all else, underlines the importance of action, and action now.

I can think of no protestation that can possibly be raised against this here application, unless it is that all people wish to be contaminated in like manner to their vulgar counterparts, that all people wish to die by the hand of God, or that all people should like to have the world fail economically to the point that food shortages spiral half the world’s population into cannibalistic tendencies.

I now profess, and swear on my mother’s grave, that I have not the smallest personal interest beyond that which is necessary to have in order to promote this vital program, having no other motive than the continuity of the human race morally, economically, and intellectually; for I, myself, do not suffer from lustfulness or superficiality.